Michelle Bachmann's come under a lot of criticism for her seemingly endless stream of gaffes and lies-----confusing John Wayne Gacy with John Wayne; confusing her husband for somebody who won't wind up in the Larry Craig Memorial Bathroom Stall at Minneapolis International, and pretty much everything that comes out of her mouth that's not 'the' and 'and'-------but has anybody noticed Cthulu hanging around her campaign bus, wearing a "Elder Gods for Bachmann" button?
It takes real talent to emerge as the front runner in a Republican field notable only for their stupidity but with her screeching voice that hints at her origins on Pluto and her inability to grasp Earthling rules, Bachmann's clearly destined for a new kind of.....prominence. Turns out there's no such thing as a wasted offering to Satan.
I assume you guys observed the brouhaha over the alleged sexism of depicting Michelle Bachmann as a crazed, blank-eyed, functioning-on-brain-stem-only human-shaped vertebrate, right? Is it really Newsweek's fault if she gets that look on her face after she's bolted back another couple of hamsters and then flicked her cleft tongue to her forehead and back? I figure they're just lucky they didn't catch her after Marcus took out her human-looking contact lenses and revealed her real eyes------you know, the ones with the vertical slashes for pupils, in a background of alien orange. The Bachmann campaign has probably been raiding every "Reptiles 'n' Things" shop between here and Peoria to keep her fed, but how they concealed the scales is beyond me. Her careful excising of the facts of her farm subsidies is only the beginning. If all those foster kids were pretty small, I'd say look for the spoor she left behind after snacktime, because her species doesn't tend to have any interest in other creatures' offspring except as lunch. Even the best-disguised human-sized lizard-creature needs some variety in their diet, after all, and like all the other primitive Republicans, her hatred for the poor, the needy, and those she considers barely human(so ironic!) means that the only real uses they see in those alleged people turn out to be rather Limbaughian, so to speak. When she says she feels like eating Chinese....man, she's not kidding. The fact that none of those foster kids has come forward already with gossip is pretty sinister. I bet if they search the garbage cans behind her campaign stops they'll find the little balls of fur, hair, and small bones that indicate the shape-shifting spells can only do so much. Make all the jokes you want to about Marcus Bachmann, but at least he doesn't go around looking and saying shit that means you have to lock up your small pets, farm animals and newborn children. With Michelle Bachmann, you wonder what they do with the venom they have to keep draining from her fangs at night. Maybe that explains why the pool reporters don't keep losing it and suddenly start pointing out that she's got that crazed look more or less all the timethat she's walking on her hind legs. She's not having problems because she can't remember where on the campaign trail she's at, or what day it is, or if they're talking about killer clown serial killers or dead American singers but because she's between ritual offerings to Ba'al. I bet somebody goes around and secretly squeezes a drop or two out of the syringes of Bachmann venom that they keep refrigerated---for just these occasions-----into the cases of vodka those poor reporters probably knock back every night. That's the only excuse the reporters have for not going after her habits of spying on gay rights rallies and claiming she's been attacked by militant lesbians in the State Capital bathroom. If you're a minion of Gozer, after all, being addressed by sub creatures is pretty damned demeaning. Remember, on her home planet, she's a minor deity, of the sort that parents threaten their litters with.
Hey, Michelle, maybe they weren't sexist, maybe they were herpetologists who got a glimpse of the effect you had on small rodents and children....the ones you didn't sniff out with that forked tongue, that is. Has anybody checked the squirrel population when she's done with an Iowa town? Maybe the real reason she's so popular in Iowa is the fact that she's really ridding them of the rats and mice that eat their way through the grain in the silos. Her district in Minnesota does include an awful lot of farms. You'd think they'd want her back for whenever the rodent mating season begins.
It's pretty ironic that so many politicians get called rats, really. With Michelle Bachmann, if you say that around her, she perks right up and grabs some steak sauce and her bib. Maybe the real question about Marcus Bachmann isn't that she submits to him; maybe it's that he's desperate to conceal where he got her prehensile tale and scales removed.
Oh, well. I figure it's only a matter of time before the blackmail pictures come out. Maybe somebody will finally cop to the fact that Michelle produced all five Bachmann offspring in one clutch----or that, really, maybe Marcus is not really that bad for expecting his pet to be housebroken and know enough to piddle in the yard. When it comes down to it, there's a long history of Republicans trying to pass their marionettes and shaved pets off on the American public. How could anybody look at George Bush's perpetually glazed eyes and simper and not realize he was really a runt puppy that had been weaned too soon? You do have to wonder how Dick Cheney avoided electrocution, given his wiring and Bush' perpetual piddling on his shoes. John McCain took a rare, plucked Alaskan species of peacock for his partner/pet and then made the mistake of letting the thing go, and as a result it's been worse than a Canada goose, the way it fouls the lawns and grounds, not to mention the sounds it makes. And of course there's Rick Santorum, who got his ears and tail clipped somewhere yet can't quite get a hold on that high-pitched whimper. The worst is the fact that while even Republicans know enough to spay or neuter their pets, Rich Perry's owner forgot to do that and he's been marking his territory ever since he left Dallas. The whole country's going to have to do a lot of scrubbing to get rid of the smell.
And people wonder why I prefer cats. They're honest about how stupid they think you are, plus they use a litter box and they love you, even though you're a doofus they can wrap about their little paws. Even Snowball---who regularly informs me that he finds my services not up to par----still gives me the Head Butt of Love, wherein a feline informs you that despite your regrettable inability to supply a perpetual-tuna menu, you still are kind of cute, in a human sort of way. The Republicans have fielded a crew of badly-housebroken, factory-farm mutants on us, most of whom have apparently been infected with a combination of distemper and rabies.
Whatever you do, don't give in to the urge to vote for them because you feel sorry for them. It's their trainers' fault they're behaving so badly, and that can be fixed. Just ask Scott Walker and John Kasich. Feel sorry for them---and Marcus Bachmann-----all you want, but don't think for a minute that it's not their responsibility to bring their pets to heel. Or slither. With Perry pissing all over everything and Bachmann twitching from Marcus' liberal use of the cattle prod or whatever they use on velociraptors from the seven hells, they've revealed that they can't be trusted with ordinary pets, much less exotic ones. Don't fall for any cute pet tricks till they'd had them vaccinated and neutered.
No wonder they're so determined to cling to things like Abstinence Only and Intelligent Design. If you were a dog faced with neutering and crate training, would you want people to start talking about scissors and housebreaking in front of you?
Look on the bright side. There's lots of petting zoos in Minnesota. I'm sure Marcus can find a nice home for Michelle during the off season, complete with heat lamps and nice big flat rocks. The rest of the field just needs some obedience training, a little surgery, and new owners. I think we can handle that, right?